This weekend has been laced with every emotion in the book...pure excitement, deep love, an aching longing, and heart-breaking sadness. What specifically brought out all these emotions? A Baby.
We met our nephew for the first time since he was born on May 12. Excitement welled up in me in the anticipation of meeting the little guy. Instead of focusing on the remaining tasks at work before the weekend, I was telling everyone about my weekend plans. Instead of cleaning up the house before we left, I was nagging Cameron to hurry up and pack because I just couldn't wait any longer. Imagine a kid on Christmas Eve night....that was me.
I thought I couldn't love children any more than I already do....until I saw my nephew.I was overcome by emotion with tears welling in my eyes as I first saw him. Until this, I had only had periodic pictures to dwell on. In that first moment, I saw all the pictures come to life as he squirmed and made sweet baby sighs. And all I could utter was "He's real."
My family let me run free, grab the reins and take care of the little guy all weekend. I proudly carried him around garage sales, we cuddled, we had chats about how much God loves him, and I got a small glimpse of who God created me to be. I was made to have a mother's heart. And here's where the aching longing comes in. I desire nothing more than to be a mom and to raise and disciple children to delight in the Lord. I long for the gift of children; for the Lord to bless our family in that way. To be able to stretch myself in a way that happens when children are brought into the picture. These desires are so deep rooted in my being that I've had to work through a sense of entitlement, jealousy of those who have babies of their own, and "Why not me, Lord?" It's by the Lord's faithfulness that I can keep pressing on in faith that his plan is greater than ours. It's an emotional journey. A struggle. & All Cameron and I can do is pray daily:
"We're ready when you are, Lord."
