seasons.

It seems that every time I get inspired to write, by the time I get the chance to just sit and be still to type out my thoughts, I have a sudden lack of inspiration.  I want what I write to be full of purpose and thoughtful, stories of daily happenings to cherish, areas of growth in life....not just uninspired words to a page for the sake of blogging.

As of lately:

My biggest struggle has always been that I'm too much of a planner. I try to plan out my life in the way I see it going, gently pushing aside any thought that God's plan may be different.  & when his plan turns the exact opposite way of what I envisioned....well, I find myself trying to grasp the same lesson over and over. God's plan is always greater than our own even when we don't understand.
But this time, I've been determined to really put my heart into what I know instead of getting smacked in the face time after time.

I've longed to be in the season of life that so many of those who surround me are in. I felt deserving to be where they are--{Yikes! My prideful spirit needed to go!} So I prayed. and prayed. and prayed some more. That's when God really showed up and exposed my jealousy, pride, and self entitlement but by the grace of God he instilled a renewed spirit in me. I can now rejoice with the ones around me instead of being overcome by heartbreak and saddness that they are experiencing the season in life that I want to be in.  I've come to acknowledge that it is just not my time.

Instead I'm in a season of growth. A season of boldness. Learning to dig into God deeper and proclaim his love and good news to those around me. To step out of my comfort zone and expect him to show up in ways I've never experienced. To go against cultural norms in order to seek out modesty as a woman and wife. To be the strong but gentle woman that He created me to be.

What a joyful spirit he has created in me and I praise him for his mighty works in my life!

nephew love.

This weekend has been laced with every emotion in the book...pure excitement, deep love, an aching longing, and heart-breaking sadness. What specifically brought out all these emotions? A Baby.

We met our nephew for the first time since he was born on May 12. Excitement welled up in me in the anticipation of meeting the little guy. Instead of focusing on the remaining tasks at work before the weekend, I was telling everyone about my weekend plans. Instead of cleaning up the house before we left, I was nagging Cameron to hurry up and pack because I just couldn't wait any longer. Imagine a kid on Christmas Eve night....that was me.

 I thought I couldn't love children any more than I already do....until I saw my nephew.I was overcome by emotion with tears welling in my eyes as I first saw him. Until this, I had only had periodic pictures to dwell on. In that first moment, I saw all the pictures come to life as he squirmed and made sweet baby sighs. And all I could utter was "He's real."

My family let me run free, grab the reins and take care of the little guy all weekend. I proudly carried him around garage sales, we cuddled, we had chats about how much God loves him, and I got a small glimpse of who God created me to be.  I was made to have a mother's heart. And here's where the aching longing comes in. I desire nothing more than to be a mom and to raise and disciple children to delight in the Lord. I long for the gift of children; for the Lord to bless our family in that way. To be able to stretch myself in a way that happens when children are brought into the picture. These desires are so deep rooted in my being that I've had to work through a sense of entitlement, jealousy of those who have babies of their own, and "Why not me, Lord?"  It's by the Lord's faithfulness that I can keep pressing on in faith that his plan is greater than ours. It's an emotional journey. A struggle. & All Cameron and I can do is pray daily:

"We're ready when you are, Lord."

 

And the sadness.....the goodbye. There weren't enough kisses I could give the little man to make up for the time in between our visits; not knowing when the next visit will be. I so badly wanted to bring him with me to Grand Rapids. All I could think about are his sweet baby smells, animated faces, helpless cries, the emotions being with him evoked. I wanted to bottle all of that up and bring it with me.  But once again, all I have are photographs until the next time they come alive when we meet again.

 

awakening.

The past few weeks everyone has started to awaken from their hibernation. Warm weather is finally here {hopefully to stay}. The sun rises earlier and sets later; the birds are like an alarm clock in the morning with their chirping and songs, and people are in an abundance whether that be taking a stroll, working on their lawn or purely just enjoying the warm sunshine. Ah, Spring!

Spring brought on a new set of hobbies and adventures for Cameron and I.  Cameron woke up one day and stated that he thinks gardening is something he would enjoy. So, naturally he decided to give his green thumb a shot.  We went to home depot and he was in his only little happy world carefully picking out seeds to plant in which he had researched.  We now have snow peas, jalapenos, banana peppers, and bell peppers.  I love watching him tend his potted garden, bring them inside if it's going to get too chilly and his pure excitement when the green sprouts rise from the dirt. Now me? I don't garden & I certainly don't like getting my hands dirty. But if it's what the hubby loves, I will try to cultivate that desire of his and share in his joy.

 

We've also become fond of walking and experiencing the areas in which surround us.  Dreaming of which home we love and will someday buy {keyword: dreaming}, chatting about our bible studies and future family, basking in God's creation & the place we call home...these moments are so near and dear to my heart.  What a blessing it is to do life with my best friend, husband, and such a man after God's heart.